Wednesday, June 30, 2010

To Tell the Truth

There was a TV show many years ago by that name. The premise of the show was this:  Three people stood before a panel of contestants. One of the three was or did something of particular interest, like say he or she flew helicopters or some such thing. The other two people were impostors. The panel asked questions of each person trying to find out who was the real "Bill Jones". The impostors faked their answers. At the end the host of the show said "Will the real Bill Jones please stand up?" at which point the panel got to see if they guessed rightly or wrongly as the impostors were exposed. That was the show in a nutshell.
So why am I bringing it up? I am not feeling nostalgic. I hardly remember the show, though I do recall it was in black and white so it must be really old. But the line from the end of the program came to me last night. "Will the real ____________please stand up?"

I pray for many young people, and I grieve over them. I see the impostors, the people they pretend to be, or even have come to believe they truly are. Because of their various wounds and the many lies that have attached to these wounds, deception has become a way of life....or should I say "death" because until we discover who we really are, and what we are living for, are we really alive?

We were all impostors before we came to a place where we could receive God's love. I am sure I'm not the only one who lived my life hiding behind a false self and hoping nobody would discover the lie. Because I knew that I was not good enough and was well aware of everything I lacked. Therefore it was my daily struggle to present to the world something I felt would be more acceptable than the truth. I was not living my life at all, I was hiding. But I was afraid to stop faking it, afraid that the facade I created would come crashing down exposing me as the loser I felt I was.

What a glorious day  it was when I discovered I belong to something bigger than myself, to Someone who loves me! It was like I could breathe...finally! I could let out all of the breath I had been holding with one huge sigh of relief. I didn't have to fake it any more! I didn't have to hide behind the impostor. I discovered I am worthy to live because He desires me. He likes me, as Mr. Rogers used to say "Just the way I am."Wow!

And along with His acceptance I grew to realize that all of the nasty, evil, dark places that I had tried for so long to hide from the world....He also desires! He wants them too! Wow, I no longer have to try to juggle the lies for fear of exposure. He not only wants me to give them to Him, but He gives me back something in return! Love. A clear conscience. A sense of belonging. Peace. Life!


All of the things that I feared letting go....all of the "props" that I had used to maintain this false self...I no longer needed. Didn't I feel exposed? Yes. But His love covered me. I no longer had to try and cover myself up.  I didn't have to be the tough girl, or the loud drunk, nor did I have to be high or numb in order to stand myself. I could stop pretending. I could stop running...running from my past and from my pain. I had been found, and seen....the truth was exposed and I was still loved. Wow!

So as I pray for these young people, I weep for them and I call them out of hiding. I want them to know that God sees them.
"Then I went by you and saw you kicking around in your own blood. I said to you, "Live." I want them to know that He loves them. And that even I see the truth in them, not the ugly truth that they want to hide....but the truth of their uniqueness and potential.
When I look at you, I don't see an alcoholic, or a drug addict, I don't see your perversion, or the anger or the rebellion or any of the other false fronts that you have erected for survival. I don't see the tattoos or the many things that you use to try and cover your wounds. I see compassion in you that can pastor the lost. I see how people are drawn to you, and I see a leader of nations. I see a prophet. I want you to know who you truly are. I want to tell you the truth. I long to extend a hand and say, "I see you. And I do not find you repulsive. Come out of hiding. There is Someone here I would love for you to meet."
Will the real you please......stand up!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Wiener Dog

Our neighbors in the 5th wheel next door, Jean and Dee, have two wiener dogs. First, to settle any confusion, Jean is the man and Dee is the woman. I know, it puzzles me too since Jean is my middle name and I thought Gene was the way to spell the male version. But they have a sign on their porch that says "Jean and Dee" and that is the way it is. Life is very interesting here in the park, don't you think?
Back to my story. So they have these wiener dogs, Buddy and Cricket. Buddy is the male and he is brown. Cricket is his wife and she is black with longer wiry hair and she looks like a muppet. A muppet with no legs.  Jean takes the two for a stroll around the park every morning and evening. They are a very nice pair and never nip at Tiffy like that brown poodle who bit her in the face that Craig took to calling "Cujo" which I think may have offended her owners since they moved away. These wiener dogs are quite civilized.

The other morning as we were backing out of our drive we noticed Jean with his dogs, and Buddy didn't look so great. We were concerned, so we prayed for him on our way to church. I believe that God made all creatures great and small, don't you?
When we returned home later on that day, I saw Jean out in the yard with Cricket but no buddy. He looked sad too. So I continued to pray for them....for Buddy, for Jean and for his wife Dee. I wondered if Buddy had passed away as I saw no sign of him the rest of that day.

When I took Tiffy out the next morning for her walk around the park, I ran into Jean and Cricket and got up the nerve to ask the question "So, what happened with Buddy?" to which Jean replied, "We don't know yet. I have to take him to the vet at noon." I was very relieved that Buddy was still with us. I shared my good wishes with Jean, and Tiffy and I went on our way.
But afterward, I was having some regrets. Honestly, I wondered if I should have offered to come over and lay hands on dear Buddy and pray for God to heal him, because after all I had laid hands on the refrigerator last week and the ticking noise it was making stopped......but then I wondered if my neighbors might decide I was a mental case and want to move away like Cujo's mom and dad. And then I beat myself up for caring too much what people might think of their crazy Christian neighbor, and then I just continued to pray for Buddy and his family, and asked God to heal him and to reveal His love to Buddy's mom and dad.

Much like Peter and the other disciples, I fell asleep on my watch and therefore missed Jean's return from the vet's office so I had no idea if Buddy returned with him. I knew from what Jean had shared with me the day before, that there was rectal bleeding, it didn't sound very good for Buddy.
So you can imagine my joy that evening when I glanced out my window to see Jean walking by with both of his short-legged friends in tow. I jumped up and ran out to see them, leaving my husband wondering "Where's the fire?"
As I saw Buddy loping along, my heart swelled with relief. I talked to Jean and he told me that it was merely an infection and Buddy would be fine after a round of antibiotics. That was my chance to tell Jean that I had been praying, and was so thankful God had healed his beloved dog. But the words did not escape my lips. In fact, I don't think I thought of them until I was back inside my trailer sharing the testimony of Buddy's healing with hubby.

Yet here's the thing. I believe that dog was pretty sick. And I do believe that God heard our prayers for his recovery. I believe that our Loving Father cares about all of these seemingly minute details of our lives and the lives of those around us. And I think that I sometimes get caught up in stupid thoughts that I am not "in ministry" or not "on outreach" or maybe my life is too insignificant and I am not making a difference....you know, "changing the world for Jesus." And then I am reminded of the woman with the mites and how Jesus pointed her out to everyone. Such a small offering but yet it was what she had, it was all she had, and Jesus was so blessed by her gift to Him.
I think that every prayer we send up for every neighbor, or neighbor's dog.....no matter how small or insignificant they might seem to us in the grand scheme of life, is precious to Him. And I think that maybe this IS a life well-lived, a life of ministry, a life poured out and given freely to the Lord.
So I say to you this day "Hallelujah!! The wiener dog lives!!" and I rejoice in it!

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Live in a Camper, and I Camp on a Boat

That occurred to me the other day and I found it kind of an odd thing. I live in a camper and I camp on a boat. I think I will start introducing myself that way. "Hello, my name is Holly. I live in a camper and I camp on a boat. The boat's name is Mustang Sally, but my name is Holly....."
I really don't like the name of the boat, at least I didn't until I was introduced to "Sally O'Malley" from SNL. I cannot recommend her to you here because I probably should go repent and say some hail Mary's for even watching her, let alone liking her. "I'm Sally O'Malley and I'm 50 years old and I like to kick and stretch and kick and I'm 50 years old!" Anyway, she made the name of our boat more palatable to me. Mustang Sally. Yea.

So we live in an RV and to add to the stigma, we have a little foofy dog. We not only have a foofy dog, but we talk baby talk to her. Yup. This is your lucky day, folks. I'm putting it all out there. I have become the people that I used to make fun of. So be careful who you laugh at. I'm just saying....

If you had talked to me 10 years ago I would not have seen any of these developments in my future. But that's the way life is, isn't it? We kind of just live and it unfolds and we find ourselves in all kinds of unpredicted situations. So what do we do once we find ourselves there? We can fight for things the way they used to be. We can be depressed about the past, or about all that we lost, and miss the blessings in the "now". We can strive and manipulate and try to maneuver ourselves back into what we thought was the good life. Sadly, all of that activity might just cause us to miss what we have been given right now, this day. And it also might keep us from moving into our future.

Sure, sometimes we miss having a house. In fact, we often drive around admiring great old bungalows and cute little cottages and we still look at old run down properties with a vision for their potential. The really bizarre thing about living in a 5th wheel is that we used to buy and fix up houses. In fact, what's even stranger is that we both love houses; we love architecture, we love everything about restoring houses, building houses, remodeling houses, and I really love decorating houses.....and yet here we are, here I am....living in a camper and camping on a boat.
But am I complaining? Nope! I currently love my life. My husband loves his life. While other people are home mowing their lawns and doing yard work on the weekends, we are camping on our boat. While other women are vacuuming rooms that they rarely use, and worrying about draperies, I am writing this blog.

We often think of how much fun we are having that we would not be having if life hadn't taken this turn....if his job hadn't ended and we weren't forced to look at the camper in the driveway with different eyes. While we are out floating on a river or lake feeling so young and alive, we wonder if everyone shouldn't be forced off their couches and into water somewhere. Let's face it, we could all use more play time and silliness.
Life is full of adventures and our lives are filled with strange twists and turns, that's for sure. I think maybe our job is to learn how to not resist the changes, but embrace them. I think if the adventuring ends, then maybe the living ends with it.
So whatever your current situation is, I encourage you to stop resisting...stop complaining...and embrace it! Squeeze the juice out of it! We only have one go around.

My name is Holly Kohler and I am 53 years old....and I love to write, and I love to swim....and I love my foofy dog....and I'm 53 years old!

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Year of the Neck

Last year was what I like to refer to as The Year of the Neck. It was the year that I realized that even though I felt the rest of my body was holding pretty steady because I had a gym membership for the first time in my life, my neck became a traitorous foe. No matter what I do to try and keep this old body in shape I haven't found any great workouts for the neck. And last year I had a decision to make. Either wear turtlenecks and scarves for the rest of my life, or accept this neck and all of the sags and wrinkles it is developing. But along with my decision for acceptance which came quickly after imagining a very sweaty summer, came a new discipline. Now that the decision was made I had to train myself to look away. That's right. I had to learn to avoid visual contact with my neck, and it was not easy.
Have you ever noticed how we can easily overlook the flaws in others, but have such a difficult time overlooking our own? That was my battle last year. I never notice nor do I gaze at anyone's neck. It just isn't a place that my eye tends to settle on while in conversation with a friend. Yet every time I looked in the mirror my eyes seemed to be glued to the image of my wrinkly neck before me! Yikes!! There it is again! Ick!
Can anyone relate? Do any of you have certain body parts that you wish you could change?
Have you ever been in a dressing room and loved the way the mirrors made you look....slimmer? I would love to get one of those mirrors delivered to my house. (Or wait, my 5th wheel.) Because even though I realize that it is only an illusion and I am not really in fact slimmer, I feel better. I would take the illusion any day over the reality. If I walk around with that image of myself in my mind, I have a good day. But one glance in the mirror of reality can also have the opposite effect.
So now my beauty regimen includes asking God to allow me to see myself as He sees me. To love myself as He loves me. I want to reflect Him, and His glory. Did you ever notice how when you are really "in the spirit"....in those times when the love of God is just flowing in a meeting, that everyone looks so beautiful? And how you never even have an insecure or self-abasing thought? Those are wonderful times. I want to live there. That is my prayer, Lord. More of You!! I want to be Christ conscious, not self-conscious! And I really hope to be....soon. Because just the other day I looked down to find my thighs....are sagging.....help!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is it live.....or is it Memorex?

Only some of you dear readers will remember the commercials from which the title of this post was stolen. It was years ago, shortly after the onset of cassette tapes, (and only some of you will remember what those are) and in the ad was a famous woman singer who could hit a high note and shatter glass. The commercial was to prove that even her recorded voice could also shatter glass, when their particular brand of cassettes were used.
So how does this old memory come into play in my life? It represents my current season in God. I find myself questioning and asking constantly "Is this Truth, God? Or is it bull$#@%?" So many things I once believed without question are coming up before me and honestly, I am shocked and amazed that I didn't question them before.
What do I believe about that? Where do I stand on this? What is the truth? I am thankful that because I know Truth in the Person of Jesus, I have someone to go to with these questions. And though some would deduce that I am in a sad state of rebellion, I know that I am on a journey into a deeper walk with Him. And I rest assured that God is delighted with my questions. He is teaching me to ask the right ones. I am inquiring of the Lord to show me His heart on these matters.
I am thankful for this outlet, this place where I am able to verbalize some of my ponderings and in the sharing even work out and solidify greater convictions. To some this may be too frightening and unnerving and therefore I have lost readers. That's OK. I am not here to gain a following. My only desire is to be transparent in hopes that my questions might spur questions in you readers that will ultimately lead us all into deeper truth.

My children are not currently walking with the Lord, but I'm not really even sure what that statement means or if it is a true statement. They are not currently involved in corporate church, nor are they reading Scripture (to my knowledge), etc. So by all appearances they are not "walking with the Lord." Yet He said Himself that He never leaves us nor does He forsake us. So He must be walking with them!
Anyway, I find to my delight that I have grown in my relationship with God because of them, and because they have challenged me and my beliefs over the years. Just the simple question "How do you know God is real, Mom?" has the capacity to either launch a mother into a 10 minute lecture with many quoted Scriptures to emphasize the truth of her points, or in this mother's case it has caused me to stand even more solid on the basis of my truth. "I know because I know Him." That has been my answer. "And I cannot talk you into anything because I was not talked into anything. I know because He is real to me, as real as you are. I know because I don't know....but I know." Stupid sounding answers, and frustrating all the more to the hearer I'm sure, but what other answer can I give? I can only pray that my life.....that this perfect love that has set me free to truly live, will be enough to one day cause them to desire to know Him also.

And as for quoting Scriptures, I think I have developed a new rule. I'm not saying everyone should live by it, but you should. Do not quote a Scripture unless it has become living personal revelation. We all do it, don't we? We hear a pastor or a preacher use some Scripture in his message, and we have no personal revelation on that Scripture, maybe we have never even heard it before, but we walk away sort of like "Yea, what he said." and we find ourselves using it on the next person to back up our point. Or maybe to back up his point which has now become our point without our ever having studied the matter ourselves. But is that the Word? Doesn't our enemy know the Scriptures probably even  more than most of God's people? And didn't he use them for evil against our Lord? Without personal revelation it is only words, not Word.
I believe this is a time in the Kingdom when fresh manna is being poured out. I believe that greater revelation is ours for the taking.....that precious gems are available to anyone willing to dig for them.....and I sense that this era of the church will be monumental in the direction of Her future. There will always be those who are content with leftovers. There will always be some who prefer to have their food pre-chewed and pre-packaged with complete directions attached. But for those of you who are hungry....and who feel the new wind of the Spirit blowing on your backs, blowing off the dust of what has been and blowing up feelings of discontent, be encouraged! God doesn't serve leftovers. He has a banquet table prepared for us, and His food is fresh. His meal is satisfying and life giving. I am excited to partake with you. I am excited to taste the newness of Him, because one thing I do know for sure......He is good!! How do I know this? He has proved Himself to me time and time again. My prayer is that He would show you His goodness today. And may we all come to truly know because we know Him.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Terra Nova

Terra Nova. New Ground. New ground is exciting, unknown, rocky, uncultivated, sometimes hard, often mucky, full of adventure and promise, but also difficult to navigate. And how does one begin to bring forth a good crop on new ground? First by removing the rocks and obstacles. Then one must begin plowing up the ground. OK. Making progress. What next? Water I think. And when I think of water, I think it must be poured out. So for new ground to be cultivated, it must involve some pouring out. Where to pour? Where to start?
I must confess that this all seemed much easier back when I was "plugged in".
Though I served in a wonderful church for almost 20 years, in hindsight I sometimes ask myself, "Who was I serving? Was I serving God or man.....or myself? How often was I serving the lost? How much of my service does the church need anyway? Jesus said Himself that the sick are the ones in need of a doctor. Would the corner clinic be effective if they only serviced themselves, only treated the ailments and afflictions of their own staff? How effective are we at serving the sick? The lost? The addicted? The homeless? Those in need of a doctor?

Seasons. Life is all about seasons. God is all about seasons. We must learn to discern the times and seasons. A time to sow. A time to reap. A time to rest. You get the picture.
What is the season of the church? What is the time we are currently in? That is a very loaded question and to ask it brings up many answers, some defensive....some pensive. Many fear the question because their lives and livelihoods depend on the church remaining the same. But some of us are daring to ask the question. Some of us are feeling the winds of change blowing. Some are daring to journey out across this Jordan to a land unknown, and to new ground not yet cultivated.


"Do not forsake the fellowship of the saints." Or as Hebrews 10:25 says, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
I believe wholeheartedly in our need for fellowship, in my need for fellowship. As one who is presently without that need being fulfilled, I realize it even more. I have been without regular face to face intimate fellowship for over a year now, yet I have not been out of church. How can that be? You see, I have not had my need for fellowship met within the churches I have attended. The fellowship that I have been blessed to enjoy (thank God for the internet and cell phones) and continue to maintain was birthed from an intimate setting. The encouragement that I have needed I have received from intimate friends within intimate settings. The needed accountability I have been blessed to receive has also come from this place.
But wait, we have been instructed that to be out of the corporate church means we are "uncovered" and in danger! Yet I wonder how many people actually feel "covered" by their pastors? I mean, with corporate church attendance in the hundreds to even thousands, how can a pastor "cover" so many? How can one man hold each member of his flock accountable, or speak into each life from an earned place of relationship?

Church. If not how it has been, then how? Are we willing to be the pioneers who will seek the One who knows the answer to that question? Or will we just continue on, business as usual, afraid of what the answer might look like?

The Scripture talks about a bride leaving her family to cleave to her husband, this is a very important and needed process in a marriage. I am the Bride of Christ. I feel as if He is has called me out to cleave to Him for a season.  Just like a new bride, I feel a bit apprehensive in this marriage relationship. Sometimes I miss the security of my family. I even miss being told what to do by them, and the rules I was required to follow. But I am determined to cleave to my Husband. I want to hear His voice. I want to know His thoughts. I want to understand His ways. I will follow Him wherever He leads me. He has my heart. Oh, but He is a jealous Lover......

Tears

This morning I read in Revelation 7:17 "And God will wipe from their eyes every last tear."  We all know that scripture. And I...