Distortion

Sometimes I put my contacts in the wrong eyes. I put the left one in my right eye, and the right one in my left eye. I have made this mistake for so long now, that I don't know any more which way is correct. How can I see? Well, that's the thing. I can see. I am probably not seeing well, but I can see. Things are distorted, and I may even feel dizzy. But it seems right, at first. And when I reverse them it always looks strange at first too. Which is why I cannot figure out which way is correct. And it makes me feel dumb.

I realize that I spend a lot of time (waste a lot of time) feeling dumb. Beating myself up. Calling myself "dork" and "lame" and "clumsy". The other night I was loading a glass into the dishwasher...one of my favorite glasses that I love to drink out of that I got at IKEA and why didn't I buy more than two of them? I hit it on the counter top and it shattered. Into the dishwasher. And I was so mad at myself. How stupid could I be? I'm such an idiot!!!

Why is that always my first reaction?

God is talking to me a lot lately about loving myself better. It all boils down to grace. I have grace (for the most part) for other people. When they do dumb things, I am right there to tell them it's no big deal. I will even help clean up their mess. I am able to extend grace in very ugly and messy situations, even to very ugly and messed up people. But me? I should have it all together.

I have grace for everyone else. But I...don't...need...it. I should be perfect. 

What is this and where does it come from? Maybe the grace I think I am extending isn't grace at all. Maybe it is pride in it's purest form. Maybe it's pity. When I see the sins or mistakes of others, in my warped mind I am thankful that it isn't me...thankful that I have it more together. I am the bigger person therefore I can extend myself to help. Ugh...I am not seeing clearly.

Grace was given by God to us through the only perfect person, who was willing to experience everything we have and ever will go through. On the cross, Jesus experienced every single sin we could ever imagine. The grace that we have been given is born of compassion, not pity. When we trip ourselves up, thinking perfection is our goal, all we have to offer others is pity. Coming from our self-perceived higher position, we look down upon sinners. Compassion doesn't look down upon anyone...compassion gets down in the dirt with people, dirt that has turned into mud from their tears; and compassion cries with them. It is from this kind of compassion that grace was given to us.

I can see how hard I've been on myself. I have become overly frustrated with my imperfections...because I have forgotten my own need for grace.

It is such a fine line, and one I no longer want to balance upon. I want the grace I give others to be pure, and unadulterated...served up from the cracked pot that is me. I am no better, no less needy, and no more together than my brothers and sisters. And this, my friends, is the beauty of grace. I am able to give it to others by remembering I'm alive because someone perfect gave it to me. The only perfect Someone.

So...the pressure's off. No more distorted vision of myself. I see the subtle error in my thinking.
No more abusive, judgmental, self-talk. I am going to start right here and now, giving myself what I know I need. Grace.