She was at the age when she was starting to physically "blossom" but had no idea what it meant. She had been a bit of an Ugly Duckling up until the summer after 8th grade, when she started to grow into her long legs and gangly features. It was about this time that her older brother began paying attention to her. A kind of attention she didn't fully understand. But it felt good to be noticed and since she had always admired him, she wasn't sure what to do about it. She began to feel disgusting. She couldn't tell her parents because she had allowed it to happen. She put a stop to it, but didn't know know to put a stop to her thoughts of being dirty and suddenly not as delightful as she once was.
She was barely 14 years old, and a freshman in high school. She was a very small fish in a very big sea. She wanted what every single teenager wants, to somehow fit in and feel safe. She began to hang out with a group that her best friend's boyfriend hung out with. They were a few years older, so it was pretty exciting. At that time she also became introduced to pot, along with a lot of alcohol and anything else she could get her hands on. She loved it all. It made her forget about her deep dark secret. She could dull her mind, and dull her memories, and she was all for this dullness.
One guy in the group started paying extra attention to her. He would walk her home from school. It was a very long walk, maybe a mile or two, and they had lots of time on the way to get high and "mess around" on a lawn somewhere. She had never experienced the physical feelings he was able to stir up in her. She didn't like him at all...he was nice, but there was no attraction. Still, she allowed him to continue making her feel these strangely wonderful things. After all, she was already dirty and disgusting. Maybe this is what adult love is like?
At some point things went too far. She wasn’t raped, but she was out of control and didn't make him stop. All she could do was determine to get her hands on more alcohol and drugs to numb her guilt and shame. So she did.
A few weeks after the "incident." Her "friend" was late in coming, and she didn't know what to do. She told the guy and he said he knew where to take her. They ditched school, and went to a clinic. He had to take her, she was too young to drive. She has no memories of it, other than feeling absolutely sick and like she was watching from outside her body. The doctor examined her. She had never had a vaginal examination. She was alone when she heard the news that she was pregnant.
She was assured that they could "solve the problem" and she would be back to "normal" in a day or two. The guy had the money for the "procedure" and so it was done.
She stayed out as late as she could, then went home to her loving parents. She was terrified, and made the excuse that she was having a really bad period, and went to bed. Oh if only for some alcohol or pot or something to numb the agony she was feeling. No, not the physical agony, she deserved that pain! The horrible agony of being such a disgusting and dirty person. Will this pain ever go away?
She continued into her early 20's numbing herself to the pain that had become absolutely unbearable. She was promiscuous in her attempt to find love...the kind of love that would heal her, and wash her, and make her feel delightful again. It didn't happen.
Finally, she met a man and fell instantly in love. They married and she became pregnant on her wedding night. She was 21 years old at the time, still trying to numb herself and forget that she was dirty and disgusting. When she gave birth and he was healthy and whole, she felt such relief...for surely she deserved something bad...a baby with some horrible disfigurement or disability to punish her for the child she had murdered. She continued to have these thoughts with her 2 succeeding pregnancies and she waited for the other shoe to drop for years.
God met her in her pain, and waiting until she was ready...He loved her there. She discovered that His grace truly is amazing.
If there were protests outside the clinics that day, she still would have gone inside. Did she know that she was pregnant with a baby...not a just a lump of tissue? Yes. But she denied it...just like she had learned to deny other bad things in her life. If abortions had been illegal then, would she have still gotten one?
Yes.
She would have gone to Mexico...she would have figured out a way. Or she might have done any number of other stupid things to try and become "un-pregnant"...because she was a broken, hurting, desperate and terrified young girl who didn't see any other "choice".
Knowing what she knows now, would she do it again? Never.
But...she only knew then what she knew then.
I don't think protests, or Facebook posts condemning women for having abortions, are very effective. I also don't necessarily think making abortion illegal is the answer. Putting desperate women in danger just can't be our best solution.
Am I against abortion? Absolutely. The womb is supposed to be a safe place. The emotional damage to the mother is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So, what do we do? How do we save these babies? How do we save women from making this horrible "choice"? If we've learned anything...it's that the law doesn't "save"...
I believe that like everything else, change happens within relationships. The more we are able to love and support each other...the more babies we can save. One on one. Person to person. By offering to help with child care for someone who is considering abortion because she has to work and can't afford a baby. By making adoption and open adoptions easier and less expensive. By sharing our stories. By offering love instead of judgment.
Maybe we could truly influence this world, one person at a time. I really believe we could.
I know we can save babies this way. I remember years ago, my husband worked with a young guy whose girlfriend was pregnant. He shared over lunch that they were considering abortion. My husband simply said "Oh, you can't do that! That's your baby, man!" No judgment. Just from his heart. A few years later, this young man came into work with his son. As he was introducing the little boy, he said "Thank you. We wouldn't have him if it wasn't for you" and he reminded him of that conversation in the lunchroom years before. My husband came home and shared the story, and we both cried. This is the power of love.
This is Kingdom. This is how God designed it. Person to person...relationship...mercy, grace and love. We think it isn't enough. We think we need a bigger, bolder, larger platform. Maybe because it's easier?
There isn't much required of us to make public statements, share a meme, and show our outrage. But if it isn't doing any good, if we aren't saving babies...and if we aren’t offering love instead of shame to our sisters, mothers and daughters, is it time to consider another way?
