The Angry Man

I met a man the other day, an angry man it seemed. He had a scowl on his face as he approached me in the grocery store. He said something about Moses and how nobody believed him and they all died. OK...

Then he said nobody believes Jesus rose again either. I said "I do! And He lives in me, and I love Him!"

He wasn't satisfied. In fact, it seemed to make him angrier. He harrumphed and said "There's a lot of work to do." OK...

I told him I am from Oregon. He said "What church? Because there's a lot of work to be done and nobody's doing the work!"

At one point he changed the subject to how nice the weather is here in Arizona. I said yes, it is beautiful. He said, "I come for the weather, not the people!" I was so surprised. I said "Really? I love the people!" He said he loves them, and God loves them too. So He's sending them into the lake of fire and hell. 

I'm not sure he knows the same God I know.
And I'm very sure he shouldn't be out trying to tell people about the God he knows. 

When he walked away I was sad...very sad...for the angry old man who created an angry God..just like himself. 

If I Could Teach a Man

If I could teach a man...if a woman could speak frankly and honestly to men...this is what I would say:

You are not walking in your power, brothers. I see you hiding...behind a remote control, or a game controller. I see you checked out with a beer in your hand. I know you feel hopeless, like a failure. I know it seems easier to just go with the flow...instead of making waves of your own. But we need you. The world needs you to stand up, rise up, and walk in your power. Because the battle rages on...whether you are disconnected from it or not...the battle is real...and right now some of us feel like we're fighting alone...like you've abandoned your posts.

I see you there, hanging around not sure where your place is. I think you are aware of the need, but afraid you don't have what it takes to fill it. You have backed away. You have believed a lie...a lot of lies...and you're no longer sure what is true.

There is a place for you, my Brothers. There is a place on the battle field...where you will feel alive and purposeful and like the men you were created to be. You have so much power. You hold the power to steer your wife and children in the right direction. You have the power to right the ship and to hold off the attacks of the enemy who has been unleashed against your loved ones. As you kneel, you will be given all of the power to stand. Your words can move mountains in the hearts of those whom you love...who are waiting to hear you speak.

By seeing and appreciating her and pursuing her...you have the power to make your wife blossom in beauty...in strength...and in the safety of your love. She holds her breath and her tears, just waiting and hoping you might take her hands and pray with her.

You can speak of God to your children, my brothers. You can share your hopes, your dreams, your failures and regrets...and teach them of the miraculous grace of a God who loves them...the God you love. You don't have to avoid the conversations. You have been given all that you need...and all that they need from their father.

Oh dear men...there is so much for you to do and so much of you to be...
If I could, I would tell you these things.
If I could teach you, I would remind you of how amazing you are...and how very important you are to your families.

Faith or Denial?

I have a friend who never goes to the doctor. Doesn't even have insurance. She determinedly trusts in God to take care of her health. And He does. She inspires me. She also makes me ponder.

What is faith? Is it something I can muster up? The Bible says God gives faith to us. So if I don't have it, does it mean He isn't coughing it up for me?

I have recently realized that much of what I thought was faith was actually denial. It was like if I didn't acknowledge something, then it wasn't happening or going to happen. Hide under the bed, close-your-eyes-and-wish-it-away...faith. Is that even a thing?

For years...I've had issues that I've lived with. They come and they go. Episodes. Bad days. Hours filled with pain...darkness...strange symptoms. Then as suddenly as they come, they go and I am back to normal.

I try to do everything right. I eat right. I sleep right. I walk daily. I pray. I believe. I really do believe in God's ability to heal people. I have seen and even experienced His healing touch. When I haven't experienced His healing touch, I believe anyway. Isn't this faith?

Today I am aware of how hard I've tried...and the little scared place within me that's been hiding under the bed with closed eyes. I have heard diagnoses...but somehow they have gone in one ear and out the other. It's been like if I don't acknowledge what a doctor says, it isn't true. Their diagnosis won't land on me. It won't be real. Is that faith? In choosing to not go there, am I a stronger, better, more faithful Christian? 

It is a good day. I am pain free. My brain is functioning fairly well. Maybe the bad days are over. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Do I step out in faith and test it? Do I eat the things that have caused me so much pain in the past? Would that be faith, or foolishness?

I have decided on a different path. I've decided to make peace with pain. I am learning to have greater grace for myself. I am discovering a new way of being calm in the storm. I'm no longer fighting, always feeling like I'm losing the battle. Instead of holding my breath and resisting, I'm breathing deeply in the midst. I refuse to think I am a failure...to God or to myself. In coming to terms with my own suffering, I realize that maybe it just "is"...maybe it's not something I can believe my way out of...or deny into non-existence...or fix. 

Maybe my path isn't around the pain.
Maybe the path is straight through it.
I see light on the path...and I sense that I am not alone.
And today, for me, that is faith.

A Mother's Secrets

you're going through life 

you don't know what you're missing 

but you think you're OK 

(cause that stuff ain't real anyway)

then your eyes get opened get opened real good 

you know what love feels like...it's better than good

you don't know what you're doing

don't know the way 

learn a lot of rules while you're finding your way

and you pray and you pray

do everything they say

to do...believing that it's true

teaching what you know

trying to show

them the way

then one day

your kids start to stray

soon running away

from this love that you've found...

you can't understand how so much pain can stay 

around

and injure your heart

tearing you apart 

when you've been trying

so hard

to do it all the right way

now you're feeling ashamed 

you weren't right after all 

and of course it's your fault 

and you just hit a wall of confusion and doubt 

so you back away from it all

but something inside of you knows that it's real

something bigger than you 

and all of your trying 

to get something right 

so you cry out loud 

and get real in your gut 

and you scream for help to get out of this rut 

cause you feel like you're dying

then it happens and love breaks through 

(it happened to me it can happen to you)

suddenly you know something more than before

you know that you know that you know that there's more

still hurting inside because everything's broken

with all of your mess-ups 

and wrong words spoken

you wonder if anything ever was real 

and you try not to feel 

and you're not gonna kneel

and you're not gonna pray

anymore because well what good does it do

he's just gonna do 

what he wants to do

...anyway

so you go back to living 

but now that you know 

that you know what was missing 

you can't get away from this knowing inside

that love is alive 

you just wanna say

there's a much better way

of living

today

out of the blue hope rises back up 

and you dare to believe 

that the thing you messed up 

he will retrieve

 

and those whom you love so much that it hurts 

will some day wake up to the love that you've found

and you hope deep inside that you'll still be 

around...

Guns and Jesus

Let me start by saying I don't know. I don't know and I'm OK with that. Now let's move on.

It seems to me that there are a lot of fearful and angry Christians. I don't blame them. It is scary and awful when we don't feel safe. Especially scary and awful when we don't feel like our kids are safe. We want to feel safe. Secure. Sure of tomorrow. That is how we live in peace, right? But is this truly a peaceful existence? Should our security depend on our exterior circumstances? Is that what Jesus taught?

Christians seem to be all about guns and our "right" to carry them. In basic Christianity 101 (no class, just life lessons) I learned that as a follower of Jesus, "My life is not my own". This is a very tough lesson to learn, but when I began to get it I experienced such freedom. When I learned how to let go of things, and what I planned, and how I wanted everything to happen...and I learned to trust God, even when awful, scary, bad things happen to me or my loved ones, freedom came. When I learned I could still trust in His goodness...freedom came. I was no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop, or fearful of the boogie-man (or a devil that I had made bigger than God.) Peace came. Inner peace came and remains today.

Many Christians want to see teachers carrying guns in schools. To keep our kids safe. To ensure safety. To feel secure again. Not being on board with this popular opinion makes someone like me very unpopular. But it's OK. I don't know anything. I have read my Bible (Bibles...because I read them a lot and they fall apart) for many years, and I especially like to read about Jesus and His teachings. I don't know much of anything, but I don't see where He teaches us about our right to carry guns or even our right to defend ourselves. I do remember reading somewhere how He taught us that if someone slaps us, to turn the other cheek and let him slap it too. Radical. That Jesus, He's such a radical. 

I think about Martin Luther King and others whom we admire, and name streets after. So many of our heroes became such because of their radical ideas and principals. Ideas of fighting hate with love, and violence with peace. Stuff like that. Jesus stuff.

Where does this leave us? I was asked a question about Hitler...and what should the allies have done in WWII against him? I think about that. I think about a lot of things...and I talk to Jesus and ask lots of questions. It seems to me that He already gave me so many answers in His teachings. He taught about losing my life to gain it. Then He showed us by example. When the religious and political nut jobs formed a lynch mob and went after Jesus, He went along with them. He didn't pull out a pistol and defend Himself. He so powerfully showed us that there is a better way, and even if we die believing that love is the better way, we don't really die...we live forever.

So, when I think about Hitler and all of the Jews being herded up and taken to camp, I wonder what we (Christians) could have done? I wonder what would have happened if instead of believing that our only recourse against evil is to shoot and kill it with guns and weapons...we acted on what Jesus taught? What if we truly believed Him? We believe so many other things we read in our Bibles. What if all of the Christian people insisted on going with their Jewish friends and neighbors to these camps. What if we stood with them, demanding to be taken too? "If you take my brother, neighbor, friend...take me too!" What would Hitler's men have done in that situation? After all, they were trying to create a "perfect" race...what if we didn't allow them to have their evil  illusion? What if we were truly willing to die for what we believe? 

Is God's love, and grace, and mercy what we believe? Are we so fearful of death...our own or a loved one...that we will arm ourselves and take the life of another? Have we become the judge of the world? Is who gets to live and who must die...all up to us? Is the life of a mentally deranged and grieving young man of less value than another? 

Maybe the problem goes all the way back to the beginning. Remember the two trees in the garden? 
There was the "tree of life" and the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil."
Maybe we're still eating from the wrong tree...