It is pouring rain. Which is not a newsflash for anyone who lives in the pacific northwest. I'm actually glad it's raining. It suits my mood, and matches my tears. I am having it out with God today. I am hurt and mad and disappointed and I have a lot of questions for Him. But it's OK. He isn't mad at me, or upset by my outbursts...which sound like "I thought You were good!! You don't feel very good today!! You feel mean! Maybe You are just a mean old King after all!!"
The house we thought we were buying fell through. And it wasn't just "a" house, it was "the" house...the one by the river. I've always wanted to live on a river. And...there were hills for walking. I love walking, and love walking on hills. And most of all, there was room for friends and family to visit. When we moved away from everyone and everything we knew, yet again, I just couldn't wait till I had the space to host visitors. And God knew all of that right? He knows the desires of my heart. That's why He led us to this house, the perfect house. And that's why we were so sure, and so excited...so much so that we actually started purchasing things for our new house...first, a hot tub. Then, the perfect couch, and chair, and last weekend a new bed. We got rid of everything last time we moved, so we knew we needed to get the basics before we could move in. And then...the financing didn't go through...and in an instant the dream shattered.
Because of our financial situation, which I won't go into here, we are looking at living in this RV for the next year or two. My dear friends say things like, "God's got something better for you than living in an RV." And you are all sweet. And I wish I could say, with confidence, that I believe that. But the truth is, I really don't know if I believe that. Why? Why would He have something better for me than this RV?
I met a dear young couple today. Sitting in the pouring rain, asking for help. When I pulled over to give them a little bit of help, I asked her what was going on. Her sign said "Good people, just hard times..." She said "Oh, you know. We are on a waiting list for housing, but it is a long list. We never imagined we would be homeless." But you know what? I can imagine. I'm not being dramatic. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. (Try sitting in an RV with no television, and nothing new to read for a few days.) Anyway, I can imagine. And I have to think "Why not me?" What makes us think that because God is good, that means He will give us a cushy life? Is He good to the people in Somalia, or N. Korea, or any other place where there is suffering, war, famine, disease...is He good...to them?
I believe that the truth is, God IS good. The battle is seeing His goodness, and believing He is good, in the midst of the not-so-good stuff. We get things we want, and we immediately say "God is good!" Or we praise God for this new house...car...whatever the good "thing" is at the time. And somehow it gets tangled up with our view of Him, almost like He is a Genie who grants us good things, and that is how He shows us He is good. But what if...what if God is just good because that's who He is? And what if Father truly knows best...and if best for me is living in this RV right now...then can I praise Him anyway? Just because He is good?
Well, that's what I'm working out today. Hopefully, when I get done being mad at Him, and crying and telling him what I think about His so-called goodness, I will get back to the point I always get back to. Where would I go to escape Him? What would I do without Him? But for now...I will just have grace for myself in this process. And because God is good, I know He has grace for me as well.
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