I Don't Know

Three little words. But oh how we hate using them, we avoid admitting our ignorance. We want to "know"...after all, knowledge is power....right? (I am not so sure about that phrase, but will leave that for another blog.)
Today I am struck yet again, with the realization that the longer I walk with God, the more time I spend seeking Him, the less I know. The really amazing thing about it is, I am OK with not knowing. So then I am left to wonder if maybe that is the point of it all, to bring me to a place where I am OK with not knowing!

I spent my weekend working on my house, and praying. I was praying for a family who's husband/daddy was in the hospital very sick and in need of a miracle in order to live. I don't even know this young man, but I know his wife, and her family, and God chose to put him on my heart in a very deep way.

Well, yesterday morning he went to be with the Lord. Now, I hate every reference....every trite term that we use to describe someone who has died. We say they have "passed on" or "gone on to glory" or "God called them home" or whatever it is that we say. And the strange thing is, that is about all that we say. We don't want to talk about it much. We spend days, weeks, sometimes months praying for someone to be healed and then when it doesn't happen, we sort of avert our eyes, don't make mention of it any more, because we don't know what the heck just happened. We like to explain things, and we like  knowing exactly why things happen, so when that is not the case we prefer to avoid the subject all together and move on.
And honestly, this might be the better choice than the one that some who refuse to admit they don't know make.....and you all know what I am talking about.....those who give their own pat explanations  such as "It was her/his time to go." "God needed another angel in heaven." (Newsflash, we do not turn into angels when we die.....angels are created beings just like we are...they are a whole separate form of life.) "He/she is in a better place." "She/he is no longer suffering." On and on they go with their little stupid answers that bring no help, no encouragement, but only serve to help them through their own awkward feelings in the situation.

I am one of those people who believe in the healing power of God. I have experienced it first hand, and I have witnessed it in others. My own son was dramatically healed of a really horrible case of asthma when he was quite young. My brother-in-law was told he would have no children, he has 5. I have prayed over a feverish child and felt his body cool under the power of God. I once visited a dying man in the hospital, and while worshiping and praying with him and a friend, a Light filled his room, he was totally healed, and left the hospital shortly after. I could give you more examples, but the thing I want to convey is that I know that I know that God heals people. But I also know that He doesn't always. And I don't have any idea why.
Please don't quote Scriptures at me. I know the Scriptures. I love my Bible. I don't know about your translation, but mine says that Jesus went around healing ALL the sick. Yet, that has not been my experience of Him. Has it been yours?

I think what frustrates me the most in this whole life and death issue is that I always think "OK, Lord. Here's Your chance. You can heal this person, and everybody watching.....all of the people who don't believe You are real will see this miracle and be amazed at what You have done, and fall on their faces in awe of You!!" God never seems to like my ideas much. He seems to have His own way of doing things. What about the miracle of the loved ones who are left here, in this life, in their grief.....and yet.....they go on, in strength.....not relying on alcohol, drugs, or any of the other empty escapes that others use to numb their pain? They not only go on, they thrive....in joy....in hope....and in love. What about the miracle of such beauty? Talk about glory!!

A dear friend of mine died a few years ago. After her death, while I was grappling with this issue (why do I grapple, when will I learn that I will never know?) I had an experience. Whether I was in body or out of body I do not know, but I had an encounter with my friend. I will never forget the look of complete joy on her face. We did not speak, but she communicated clearly with me. I asked her what it was like, knowing that she was now in "the after life" or "in glory" or in heaven or wherever she had gone. She said to me, grinning from ear to ear,  "You're not gonna believe it!" That experience left me changed. It gave me an amazing glimpse into that unknown world that even as believers we sometimes fear.

The ultimate point that I learn each time I go through another unexplainable thing like this is that I am in His story.....He is the Author, He wrote the book of my life, and your life, and everyone's life.....He doesn't need me to defend Him or to tell Him what to write. He knows He can be found by anyone who takes the time to look for Him. He knows full well that this life, this existence here on planet earth is only a brief moment in time......and He knows that time has no place in His eternity, and this life is not the main point of our existence. I do not yet fully grasp this, therefore death seems like an awful thing to me.

So, I will continue to pray when someone needs to be healed, full of faith, believing for their ultimate restoration. I will not pray weak prayers of "If it be Your will, Lord" because that just seems like a cop out  like leaving Him a loop hole so that we can explain things afterward...."It just wasn't His will to heal" (which I believe is complete garbage when I read that Jesus healed ALL who needed healing, and I know that God treasures life because it is His creation, so why would it not be His will?) Yet I know through experience, watching loved ones die before their time (in my mortal opinion), that God will be glorified whether it be through life, death, healing or not.....He will be glorified by those who truly know Him.
Because to know Him is to know that He is good. To know Him is to know a Love that is absolutely life changing, bringing with it a security that cannot be shaken......and to know Him is to know that "I don't know" and to be completely OK with not knowing.