I have a friend who never goes to the doctor. Doesn't even have insurance. She determinedly trusts in God to take care of her health. And He does. She inspires me. She also makes me ponder.
What is faith? Is it something I can muster up? The Bible says God gives faith to us. So if I don't have it, does it mean He isn't coughing it up for me?
I have recently realized that much of what I thought was faith was actually denial. It was like if I didn't acknowledge something, then it wasn't happening or going to happen. Hide under the bed, close-your-eyes-and-wish-it-away...faith. Is that even a thing?
For years...I've had issues that I've lived with. They come and they go. Episodes. Bad days. Hours filled with pain...darkness...strange symptoms. Then as suddenly as they come, they go and I am back to normal.
I try to do everything right. I eat right. I sleep right. I walk daily. I pray. I believe. I really do believe in God's ability to heal people. I have seen and even experienced His healing touch. When I haven't experienced His healing touch, I believe anyway. Isn't this faith?
Today I am aware of how hard I've tried...and the little scared place within me that's been hiding under the bed with closed eyes. I have heard diagnoses...but somehow they have gone in one ear and out the other. It's been like if I don't acknowledge what a doctor says, it isn't true. Their diagnosis won't land on me. It won't be real. Is that faith? In choosing to not go there, am I a stronger, better, more faithful Christian?
It is a good day. I am pain free. My brain is functioning fairly well. Maybe the bad days are over. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Do I step out in faith and test it? Do I eat the things that have caused me so much pain in the past? Would that be faith, or foolishness?
I have decided on a different path. I've decided to make peace with pain. I am learning to have greater grace for myself. I am discovering a new way of being calm in the storm. I'm no longer fighting, always feeling like I'm losing the battle. Instead of holding my breath and resisting, I'm breathing deeply in the midst. I refuse to think I am a failure...to God or to myself. In coming to terms with my own suffering, I realize that maybe it just "is"...maybe it's not something I can believe my way out of...or deny into non-existence...or fix.
Maybe my path isn't around the pain.
Maybe the path is straight through it.
I see light on the path...and I sense that I am not alone.
And today, for me, that is faith.
