For the second time in my many years of fellowship with God and with His people, I am joined with a church whose leader is an evangelist. It is funny because it is so foreign to me, the life's mission of going out and finding people with whom to "pray the prayer". I admire and am frankly in awe of those who live this way, I marvel at their tenacity, and their non-stop focus on this Kingdom work.
Being one who sees the value of the evangelist, and is certainly very thankful for the man who led my husband to pray just such a prayer oh so many years ago, doesn't make it any "easier" to sit under this gifting on a weekly basis. As I listen to testimonies of the number of people who have been "led to the Lord" or who have "accepted Jesus as their Savior", something within me begins to feel like this Kingdom life is a contest which I am losing. I resist feeling that I am a great big failure in God's eyes. How many people have I prayed the prayer with? I could count them on one hand. Will I stand before the loving scrutiny of Jesus, and fail to hear the words "Well done, good and faithful servant"?
Does the life that I live before Him have no value? Is He keeping the same tally sheet that the church places so much importance on, the ledger book of how many people have prayed the Sinner's prayer?
I find myself asking, why is the seed-sower more valued than the one who cares for the young seedling...watering, weeding, and protecting from predators...is there no value in the one who stands alongside the young plant, strong and steady like a stake on whom it can lean and to whom it can be tied until it is sturdy and strong enough to withstand the storms on its own? One act takes but a moment of time, the other a commitment...a sacrifice of time, sometimes years, sometimes even a lifetime.
Jesus told us to go and make disciples. He also instructed us to share the Good News of Him with everyone we meet. I believe we are all valuable, I believe that each of us plays a part in His redemptive story. I respect and admire the sowers, for without them there would be no crop to tend. I also respect and admire the "tenders" because they help insure that the crop is healthy, and alive, and one day heavy with fruit.
I wonder if there might be another tally sheet, another ledger book in heaven, one that notes all of the prayers, and the late night phone calls, and the tears shed on behalf of another? Is there a book that records the patience and grace and love poured out on a day-to-day basis, the encouraging words spoken to one who feels ready to give up life, the faithful endurance of one who is willing to stand in the gap for another until he is able to stand on his own?
I choose to be content in who I am, and I will not play the comparison game. As much as I value this gift of evangelism in others, I will rest assured that He loves me no less. I realize that my value is and ever was totally wrapped up in Him.
I guess my deep-down hope is that there are no such score books at all in heaven. And every feeling that I'm "not good enough" or "not doing enough" will melt away under His loving gaze...
