Processing God's Goodness

It is pouring rain. Which is not a newsflash for anyone who lives in the pacific northwest. I'm actually glad it's raining. It suits my mood, and matches my tears. I am having it out with God today. I am hurt and mad and disappointed and I have a lot of questions for Him. But it's OK. He isn't mad at me, or upset by my outbursts...which sound like "I thought You were good!! You don't feel very good today!! You feel mean! Maybe You are just a mean old King after all!!"

The house we thought we were buying fell through. And it wasn't just "a" house, it was "the" house...the one by the river. I've always wanted to live on a river. And...there were hills for walking. I love walking, and love walking on hills. And most of all, there was room for friends and family to visit. When we moved away from everyone and everything we knew, yet again, I just couldn't wait till I had the space to host visitors. And God knew all of that right? He knows the desires of my heart. That's why He led us to this house, the perfect house. And that's why we were so sure, and so excited...so much so that we actually started purchasing things for our new house...first, a hot tub. Then, the perfect couch, and chair, and last weekend a new bed. We got rid of everything last time we moved, so we knew we needed to get the basics before we could move in. And then...the financing didn't go through...and in an instant the dream shattered.

Because of our financial situation, which I won't go into here, we are looking at living in this RV for the next year or two. My dear friends say things like, "God's got something better for you than living in an RV." And you are all sweet. And I wish I could say, with confidence, that I believe that. But the truth is, I really don't know if I believe that. Why? Why would He have something better for me than this RV?

I met a dear young couple today. Sitting in the pouring rain, asking for help. When I pulled over to give them a little bit of help, I asked her what was going on. Her sign said "Good people, just hard times..." She said "Oh, you know. We are on a waiting list for housing, but it is a long list. We never imagined we would be homeless." But you know what? I can imagine. I'm not being dramatic. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. (Try sitting in an RV with no television, and nothing new to read for a few days.) Anyway, I can imagine. And I have to think "Why not me?" What makes us think that because God is good, that means He will give us a cushy life? Is He good to the people in Somalia, or N. Korea, or any other place where there is suffering, war, famine, disease...is He good...to them?

I believe that the truth is, God IS good. The battle is seeing His goodness, and believing He is good, in the midst of the not-so-good stuff. We get things we want, and we immediately say "God is good!" Or we praise God for this new house...car...whatever the good "thing" is at the time. And somehow it gets tangled up with our view of Him, almost like He is a Genie who grants us good things, and that is how He shows us He is good. But what if...what if God is just good because that's who He is? And what if Father truly knows best...and if best for me is living in this RV right now...then can I praise Him anyway? Just because He is good?

Well, that's what I'm working out today. Hopefully, when I get done being mad at Him, and crying and telling him what I think about His so-called goodness, I will get back to the point I always get back to. Where would I go to escape Him? What would I do without Him? But for now...I will just have grace for myself in this process. And because God is good, I know He has grace for me as well.

I Highly Doubt It

How many of you know that when you pray for revelation to come, God answers? Did you know that if you pray to really know Jesus...the real Jesus...He begins to show Himself to you? Let's face it, so much is done in the name of Jesus, or religion rather, that our view or image of Him becomes skewed. He starts to get blurry to us. What is He really like? That's what I want to know!! And I am finding out that He wants me to know, because He wants me to know Him! Cool stuff!

For most of the first two decades after revelation of Jesus came to me, I lived in fear. I believe there are many of you who are still living in the same fear that gripped me. My fear was based on a secret question I carried inside...the question was "What if I don't know?" Funny thing is, it wasn't about "What if Jesus isn't real?" because that question was absolutely answered for me at the time He revealed Himself to me...and re-answered over and over in all of my years of friendship with Him. But this secret question was, "What if I don't know all of the answers?"

I remember when our eldest son began to question some of the stories in the Bible, asking valid questions about the things he had been taught. I remember feeling so fearful, (even more fearful than I was when he started taking math classes with problems way beyond my comprehension.) I remember feeling like if I didn't know the answers to his theological queries, then I might somehow lose my own salvation, and then our whole family would fall apart. Can anyone else relate to this feeling of terror?

I think it's the biggest reason I don't like to bring up the subject of God or Jesus when I am out in public. Because I had this huge, fearful question hiding within me, "What if I don't know?" I was afraid I would be asked something that I didn't have the answer to, and therefore I would misrepresent God and Jesus to the very person I was hoping to reveal Him to...meanwhile, weakening my own stand with Him because I didn't have all of the answers.

I have been reading a book that has added to my already life-changing and freedom-bringing new way of being. In this book, the author is talking about how when we place more importance on being sure or certain of the things we believe, than in our relationship with God...we begin to make an idol of certainty. When we think that we have to know all of the answers, and believe "right" about every premise in the Bible, then we have erected an idol. This also creates fear in us that if we are wrong, or if anyone challenges our right-believing, then our whole foundation will come crashing down around us.

Yet...the apostle Paul said "I desire to know nothing except Christ and him crucified..." Wait, so what was he really saying? That none of the rest matters, really? Maybe he was referring to his old religious self who thought he had all of the answers and was even willing to kill anyone who didn't believe as he did. But once we have had revelation of Jesus on that cross...He becomes our foundation. Maybe it is OK to have our differences and our opinions and preferences, but it is our friendship and relationship with Jesus...and the revelation of His love displayed on the cross that changes lives!

So, why all of the focus on the rest? I feel so free being able to tell you that I highly doubt Jonah was ever really inside of a fish. I do! I think that the story has a really deep meaning...but I don't literally believe that it happened. Nor do I believe that many of the other Bible stories literally happened. And if I had heard anyone say those words a few years ago I would have cringed in horror...I would have ex-communicated them from my phone contacts in fear that I was going to go to hell in a hand basket for even associating with such heretics! (Many of you have probably already deleted this post from your computer for the same reason...and I'm not offended.)

What if, back when my son was asking all of those really good questions, I had known then what I know now? That I DON'T KNOW!! And that's OK!! And that what I love most about God and Jesus and Holy Spirit is they love me anyhow, and they aren't nervous that I don't know...in fact they welcome my questions because that is how our relationship grows (just like my relationship with you, Son.) I wonder if maybe he wouldn't have walked away from the whole "Christianity" thing, if I had been more open and honest and less fearful of his doubts.

Jesus said "Unless you turn and come to me as little children..." What is He saying? That we blindly state the facts that were written, and do not waiver? I don't think so. My grandson is the most inquisitive little guy I know...forever asking me questions. He will say "Tell me about compassion, Nonny. What does that mean?" He isn't asking for a dictionary definition or a fact. He is wanting examples so that he can learn about it. Maybe that is the point of all of these stories God included in His book. Maybe they are examples...so that we can learn. Do we miss the forest for the trees when we focus on the facts of the stories, defending to the death that it really happened that way? Do our children find the stories meaningless when they reach an age where they can actually question the "facts"? What if they were taught the meanings...and that the meanings of the stories constitute Truth. That facts are not truth, truth is truth. And Jesus, on the cross, is the greatest Truth of all. What if?

I am no longer afraid of someone with a different understanding, or beliefs than me. I am learning and growing in my own understanding, and what I believed 10 years ago I no longer believe. Except for this one thing...Jesus...and Him crucified. I am excited to continue to learn about God through the gift of the Teacher for the rest of my days on earth. I am OK with not knowing everything (how ridiculous to ever think that I could!) I look forward to reasoning together with the Lord. Do I need to have a corner on "correct theology" in order to remain secure in my salvation? I highly doubt it!!